I wonder...

I know I think to much but sometimes I just can't stop and sometimes I just need answers. I can almost always sort things out on my own but I got a few things that I don't understand. I'm a bit of a control freak, not so much but a bit. I like to know whats going to happen and what's happening. Surprises is not really my thing....But that is not the point. I was just wondering about the thing that I don't always know what's going on and what people say, and I wonder if thats one thing thats a bit tough for me.
My anger for alcohol am I not sure about why it increases...I know what I've ben through but more and more now when I see alcohol bottles I just get the feeling to destroy them all. I get mad. And I'm so tired of hearing that people drink it because they get more social with people and stuff, like cut the crap, it's better if you get to know people when you are you and not when you are alcohol, it's just a big lame excuse, just try without, it will make you more proud of yourself. And how can people spend so much money on that crap? it's so expensive, dont they want to do something better with their money? Like save and go on a vacation? A lot of people who drinks end up hurting people too....not a good thing.
Being social is not anything I'm good at in the beginning when you meet me. And its not my fault it's just who I am and I'm not so loud so people often font hear me if its a lot of people "screaming". And I like just to see how people am at first. And it's easier to talk one on one. And when you feel different, even around people you should know, it's quit hard with "new" people cause you don't know what to say, you don't want them to think you are more weirder than you already are. I'm not good with words either so I usually say things a bit in the wrong way which is annoying but, that's me!
At first I can look quit boring maybe cause I don't say so much at first and probably not so found with alcohol but seriously if you're being judge cause of that, that's just lame and stupid. But if most people are just up for being out late than that's their lost right? I don't feel comfortable with a lot of people, probably just because I feel like an outsider...How people resbond to things I say, how they say it and what they say, how they look at me and how their moving, I see and here everything and I take all of that and I get a feeling of how they are and how that is to me. I can't stand it if someone raises their voice at me or think I'm a pain in the ass, I get sad very quickly. Same things with how people look at me and stuff...I get a feeling right away and that makes the whole me at that point.
My mood is like a roller coaster too, sometimes I'm more happier and sometimes I'm more sad....just like everybody else, though some people are more happy than sad/angry.
I get nervous very easy too and when I'm nervous nothing in me works as I want to. It's harder to talk, to move around and to just be me.
It's not that I can't be at a party or meet new people is just that I'm a bit afraid of how it all is going to turn out.
But it makes me a bit sad that I feel like I don't fit in and how people see me or think I am. I hate that I am what I am. I don't who I am. Just some of my feelings and how I react and how I think about things. Though the way I think is good, everything is good. It's just other people who is my problem....

I think I've wrote to much right now so Bye Bye

<3